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WHAT IS HELPFUL TO SAY IF SOMEONE TELLS ME THEY WERE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED?

  • Make eye contact, listen compassionately and without judging.
  • Clarify what you are hearing. Don’t ask for details that may satisfy your curiosity but that you do not need to know.
  • Be genuine and caring. The survivor needs to experience your concern.
  • Reassure the survivor the assault was not their fault; that they did what was necessary to survive at the time.
  • Encourage the survivor to seek medical attention. Say: “I am so sorry this happened to you. I know it is hard to talk about. I will listen to you as long as you need, but I’m not an expert in this. I can offer you resources and help you contact people who will help you and still protect your confidentiality. “
  • Let them know they do not have to handle this crisis alone. Suggest: “Staff at Sexual Assault Services/ Rutgers Newark (973 353 HELP)  are available to help. They are specially trained to work with students who have been assaulted, and can offer you help with whatever you choose to do or not do. Would you speak with someone from their office?”
DON'T BLAME THE VICTIM HOLD THE PERPETRATOR RESPONSIBLE
  • “What were you doing out at that hour?”
  • “What were you thinking going to his/her apartment?”  
  • “What were you doing drinking so much ?”
  • “Why did you take a drink from a stranger?”
  • “What were you thinking would happen wearing that/behaving like that?”
  • “Are you sure there wasn’t something you could have said or done to stop the attack?”
  • “I can’t believe he/she would do something like that. Maybe you’re confused or exaggerating.”
  • “Don’t go out alone/ or late, etc”.
  • “Don’ talk to a stranger, go to the room/apartment of a new acquaintance.”
  • “You wanted to go out with him/her. Maybe you just changed your mind and he/she didn’t understand.”
  • No one goes on a date expecting to be raped. This is not your fault.
  • Consent to a kiss or to intimate touching is not consent to intercourse.
  • If you were too frightened to scream or fight, it is still not your fault.
  • When you are attacked, it is not your responsibility to fight.  It is your responsibility to survive.
  • Even if your judgment was faulty, you did not deserve to be raped.
  • If you were too drunk to remember what you were doing, no one should have had sex with you.
  • No matter what you were wearing, or what you were doing, forcing sex on you is a crime.
  • Being drunk does not excuse a sexual assault.
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